The Legend of Zelda - Part 4: Sight for Zora Eyes

Note:
This is the fourth post in a series that may stretch upwards of ten.  It made sense in the beginning to discuss the controls and mechanics of the game.  However, it makes no sense to hear about it for another seven posts.  So, for the time being, I will focus exclusively on the plot.

These game developers did not believe in clothing.  At all.

Having saved the Gorons from the fire-breathing dinosaur Dodongos, we were conveniently directed toward the Zoras domain.  On the way back out to Hyrule field (which we must go through to find the river which will take us to king Zora), Mr. Owl stops by to tell me Death Mountain is a lovely tourist spot this time of year.  Since I'm already halfway up the mountain, I reluctantly take his word for it, and head the rest of the way up.  I reach the top and, using my new bomb bag, start blasting every boulder in sight.  Behind one of these boulders lays the secret entrance to one of the royal fairies.  She gifts me with the ability to spin in circles, with my sword out.  Glad I figured that one out.

The magical bean business is no business, until he meets a sucker.

With that distraction out of the way, I head over to Zora's domain, to see if I can persuade them to give me their national treasure.  This involves me jumping across swift-moving waters, and talking to strange men.  Well, one strange man.

The man offers to sell me beans - "magic beans."  It appears that the magic bean market is not doing very well, so he lets me have one for only 10 rupees!  That's a steal, so I buy one immediately.  I ask if he has any others, since they are so cheap.  In fact he does, only 20 rupees.  Wait a second, 20 rupees!?   They were just 10 two seconds ago.  Fine.  I pay up and get a second magic bean.  Well, 20 rupees is still a good price, so I ask if he still has any beans.  He tells me that the magic bean market is starting to pick up, so he could only let go for 30 rupees.  I begrudgingly accept, because the savior of the needs himself some magic beans.  I rummage around to come up with just enough money to buy a fourth bean, but an extorted price of 40 rupees.  100 rupees later, I walk away from this mysterious man with four magic beans and no idea why I wanted them.

I wander my way through the riverworks, there are bridges and pests and all manner of confusing camera angles.  I attempt brave leaps toward a few Pieces of Heart I see lying around, but they lay just out of reach, so I give up and continue upstream.
Finally, I reach a waterfall with an ornate bridge laying next to it.  I play the secret royal melody and the Zora admit me.  That tune is getting really convenient, although I have yet to use her written notice.  This 'village' contrasts the Goron village; while the Goron were starving, everything seems okay with the Zora.  They welcome me to their kingdom with open arms, and even provide me with better diving equipment.  The only thing fishy about this place are their prices.  No, really.  Their fish prices are absurd.  Despite (presumably) fish being their primary dietary staple, a single fish goes for hundreds of rupees.  A fisherman could net a massive profit in this town.

"Please don't tell my dad."

"Hey king, your daughter got eaten by your god."

This situation feels... fishy.

Talking with King Zora yields nothing but pleasantries.  Apparently playing the royal tune is not enough for the King to give me his god-stone.  I decide to go play around in the water while figuring out what to do.  This is apparently the correct decision, since I stumble upon an underwater tunnel which leads out to Hyrule Lake.  While in the lake, I find a bottle which contains a message from Princess Zora (Ruto, but I like the sound of Princess Zora better); she claims to have been eaten by Jabu-Jabu, the water spirit-god.  She needs help, but would like it if you did not bother her father about it.  I obviously bother her father about it.

Obviously the first thing I do is head straight back to her father and tattle on her.  As could be expected, he's quite concerned, and asks if you might be willing to fetch her for him.  From Jabu-Jabu.  This is going to be fun.

I walk up to Jabu-Jabu and ask how life is, but he just lays there, suffering from terrible Ruto-indigestion.  Apparently he doesn't want to just let me walk into his mouth and retrieve her from his guts.  One of the 'villagers' in Zora's domain mentioned that Jabu-Jabu loves fish, so I head back over to Hyrule Lake where I remember there being a fishing pond.

Don't do this.  It is a filthy lie.  While wrangling up a big fish grants me a Piece of Heart, they don't allow me to take the fish with me when I leave.  I remember the shop in Zora's Domain sells fish, so I head back there.  That fish only costs 200 rupees (twice what I can carry).  Okay, that's not happening either.  I spot a few damnable fish right outside that shop, so I walk up and use a bottle on it.  This is apparently the solution to the puzzle.  Not using a real rod, not buying one from the shop, bottling one.

With my new fish-friend, I head back to Jabu-Jabu, and offer a sacrifice to him.  He shallows both the fish, and me whole.  When I come to, I'm in FishGod's mouth, along with our constant friends, the nut-shooters.

These nut-shooters have been present in every field and dungeon thus far in the game, and there's no sign of that changing any time soon.  When I encounter these nut-shooters, I suddently remember that a flaming bat from the Dodongo Cave burned my Deku Shield, so I can no longer reflect these nuts back at their owners.  Furthermore, every other enemy in Jabu-Jabu's belly electrocutes you when you stab them, which makes this both a refreshing and frustrating dungeon to explore.

Just what I always wanted, partially digested chests.

I will literally carry you out of this God damned fish if I have to.

I come across Princess Zora only a few 'rooms' into this 'dungeon.'  She says it's awfully nice of me to have come, but it's dangerous in here, and I should leave.  Also, she has no idea who put that message in the bottle, but it wasn't her.  Oh, and she has to find something, so she won't be leaving until she finds it.  About this time she falls through what I can only presume is an ulcer in Jabu-Jabu's massive belly.

I jump down the ulcer in order to save this damsel in distress, but she seems uninjured.  She does, however, allow me to carry her back to the safety of 'upstairs' if I wish.  What ensues is a psuedo-puzzle challenge where I wander around a few rooms and throw her off of me in order to kill floating electric jellyfish.  These jellyfish are horribly obnoxious to kill, and I use many bullets throughout this dungeon.  After they've been defeated, I must pick back up the princess (or, if I accidentally throw her into water, return all the way back to where the puzzle started and try again).  I make it through four or five rooms before we make it back upstairs, and this seems to create a checkpoint where she heads back to if I accidentally drown her subsequently.

Once the princess is upstairs, I vainly hope that she will see reason, and trot off to the mouth of the fish with her.  When I leave the God-Dungeon, she does not follow, so I head back inside to see why she won't follow me.  She reminds me that she must find something she dropped when Jabu-Jabu swallowed her.  I decide to help her look for it (after all, maybe saving daddy's precious girl is worth his precious gem).

Yo dawg, I heard you like chests,
so I put a chest in Jabu-Jabu's chest
so you could open a chest
while in his open chest.

I don't think that hemorrhoid is supposed to be there.

So, I continue to wander around Jabu-Jabu, with Princess Zora on my head. I come across a few switches that can only be activated if I leave the princess to guard them. This is fine with me, but they only lead to creepy tonsil-hemmorhoid-monsters which I can't hurt. After the second room like this, I find a third room where I find a Boomerang. Wait. This is the perfect weapon for fighting off digestive parasites.  I backtrack and kill the danglemonsters.  This opens up a new room, where Princess Zora spots what she lost (finally)!  It's the final Spirit Stone!

Unfortunately, the stone is on a dais I can't climb up on, so I throw her on top of it so that she can retrieve it.  Fast-as-she-can, the princess snatches the stone and gets herself kidnapped (again).  The platform raises out of reach, and a horribly oversized nut-shooter comes crashing down to attack me.  Using my newfound boomerang (which also works miracles on those electric jellyfish), I stun this beast so that I can slash at him without danger to myself.  Well, that's the theory.  He chases me around in a circle, and is only vulnerable from behind.  I find the easiest way of killing him to be letting him hit me, and then boomeranging his ass when he flees.  It's surprisingly effective, and he goes down without much fight.

You wouldn't kill me, would you?  I'm so depressed.

Heart?  Demon Electric God?  You decide.

With the oversized pea shooter out of the way, I run to Princess Zora's aid. This is when a second oversized monster jumps me.  You remember how I complained about all those electric Jellyfish swimming around?  Meet their mother - the Bio-electric Anemone: Barinade.  Once again, the tactic here is to use whatever the newest item you collected was, and use it against them.  I wail it with my boomerang and am met with stunning effectiveness.  I make short work of it and, because I wasn't intentionally ramming myself into it, take less damage than the previous 'mini'-boss.

Princess Zora greets me as her savior, and finally asks why I bothered saving her.  Since I've already swept her off her feet, I go ahead and tell her I'm just the savior of the world -- no big deal.  Oh, but I'm going to need that stone you got there.  Yeah, that one.  Apparently the Zora royal family has been using it as an engagement ring, so Ruto's not overly excited about giving it away.  That is, until she actually just gives it away.  And giggles.  I try not to think that I may have just inadvertently gotten engaged.  Welp, I could do worse.

Please, oh please, let this not come back to haunt me.

Awww yeah, now I can fall into Gannondorf's trap save the world!

So, I now have all three spiritual stones, and each of Hyrule Kingdom's allies' allegiances. Armed with new toys, magic and, most importantly, a sweet ocarina, I'm ready to go see Zelda.